Van Helsing
Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh
Written and Directed by Stephen Sommers


Van Helsing is the perfect example of what happens when you give a successful writer/director lots and lots of money and let them run wild with it. The movie is a cacophony of monsters and elaborate action sequences. Is this a good thing or bad thing? You decide. I decide it is a good thing as a fan of action and monsters, but as an indie filmmaker at heart -- I spit in the face of Van Helsing. Puut, puut, puut! (That was my spitting noise in case you were wondering.) I know this film came out in 2004, but I thought since it is Halloween today and I had nothing else better to do at 1 AM last night -- let’s watch and talk about Van Helsing.

Stephen Sommers. Sound familiar? Well, whether he does or not to you -- he was the guy behind the successful Mummy franchise (you know the ones with Brendan Fraser which later spawned The Scorpion King and in turn spawned Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s film career). Well, Stephen Sommers proved he could take old Universal Studios owned monsters and turn them into cash cows at the box office, which is kind of how he ended up here. Van Helsing takes a bunch of classic monsters (favorites such as Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde) and basically rewrites the history on them from the point of view of a monster hunter known as Van Helsing. (Van Helsing actually was only enemies with Dracula, but hey -- this is Hollywood baby!) What you get is a really fun film with no dialogue running more than two minutes at a time. I am serious. This film is packed with so much action, if you seriously tried to time the total amount of “talky time” between the characters, you would probably get a grand total of 12 minutes. Please note that this film has a total running time of 132 mins. Please also note that this film feels like it is about as long as Schindler’s List. Schindler’s List for your information is about 195 mins. What? How come it feels so long? Isn’t there action and monsters and really cool visual effects? Well, yes. And that is exactly all there is -- which is why it feels so long. There is no story or character or feeling for that matter to this film. If it were a video game (which it is also I believe) -- it would kick some major tail. However as a film, there is nothing for the audience to grab a hold of -- leaving us amazed at how cool thinks look, but extremely bored. Although for the guys out there, we can fantasize about Kate Beckinsale and create our own story and likewise for the girls, they have Hugh Jackman to look at, which I am sure can strike up some feeling.

Van Helsing. Like a skanky rich heiress or blonde with big breast implants -- nice to look at, but empty inside.


THE RUNDOWN:

The Good: Great visual effects and lots of action.

The Bad: Only contains great visual effects and lots of action.

The Law: Watch it, but turn off your brain when you do.

I was an FBI AGENT yesterday!!!

After updating my account with my Extras Talent Agency this past summer, I finally got a call. I was told that I was to play the role of an FBI agent. Whoohoo!!! What a trip! Considering that I have always secretly wanted to be a part of law enforcement (well, duh, my name is The Law), this was like a dream come true.

The show I was on is a new series titled "Traveler" that will be appearing on ABC starting in January 2007 (you bet I am setting my VCR for that). I went through wardrobe, which decked me out in a tres tres cool suit a la Tom Cruise's from Collateral and then props set me up with a real FBI badge, ID tag, and get this... a gun! They then shuttled me to set and needless to say, I was feeling really cool (man, I am such a geek). Anyway, my first scene was right behind the principal actors (my heart was racing) and I basically walked from out of an office, to a photocopier, and then back to my office. According to my director, I was: "Looking good, looking good...". For my next scene I got to stand by the photocopier. And I was still, "looking good...". And then for my final scene I got to stand by a file cabinet and flip through some files in front of some FBI Wanted posters as the two lead FBI Agents from the show came busting out of their office and then a girl (actual name, Denise -- who looks like Kristin Kreuk if she were purely Caucasian) comes over to me and we discuss a case. Cloud nine was where I was.

I got to meet a lot of interesting people, eat some delicious food from catering on set, and most importantly -- I was reminded again of why I wanted to work in showbiz. Making movies is like being a kid again, where you get to make-believe everything and magic still exists... And in a world like today's -- who wouldn't want some of that.

The Legend of Drunken Master
Starring Jackie Chan, Anita Mui, Lung Ti
Written by Edward Tang, Man-Ming Tong, Kai-Chi Yun
Directed by Chia-Liang Liu


Jackie Chan films are like potato chips. We know they are full of bad things, but man, do they taste good. They key is they serve their purpose: the purpose of instant, fast-paced gratification. There are no real benefits from eating potato chips other than they taste good and help you gain weight (if that is what you are trying to do) -- and the same can be said of a Jackie Chan film as well. We know they are essentially well choreographed stunt shows, but we always watch to see what new flavour he introduces next. Just like chips, the new flavour always gets us every time.

With The Legend of Drunken Master, my taste buds were absolutely blown away. This is Jackie Chan’s best piece of work in my mind. The action sequences, especially one where he takes on an army of thugs with axes in a tiny restaurant and one where he actually jumps into a flaming pit of ash, is simply put -- awesome! The Legend of Drunken Master contains some of the most difficult and creative fight sequences I have ever seen Jackie do. The Legend of Drunken Master tells the story of martial arts and Asian legend, Wong Fei-hung, in a kind of prequel story where he is still discovering his place in the world. Basically just an excuse for Jackie Chan to go nuts and kick and punch up a storm.

Had the film been a Hollywood production, it probably would have included Chris Tucker or Owen Wilson and some cheap buddy plot -- but thank God that The Legend of Drunken Master was purely an HK production, meaning the film now contains stunts that look like people really got hurt performing them and fight sequences that last at least 12-15 minutes at a time without dialogue interruption -- which is extremely rare to see in North American productions.

If you only watch one Jackie Chan film -- see this one. He is at his action/comedic best here. So pick up a bag of “The Legend of Drunken Master” and pig out on some fast, fun, unique, and fiercely creative action.


THE RUNDOWN:

The Good: Highly creative and fierce martial arts sequences.

The Bad: As always, low on story, but you already know that.

The Law: This is Jackie Chan’s best work.

IT
Starring Tim Reid, John Ritter, Annette O’Toole, Tim Curry
Teleplay by Lawrence D. Cohen and Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace


The sad thing is I haven’t read a single Stephen King book yet that has lived up to its hype. The good thing is I haven’t watched a single Stephen King based film I haven’t liked yet either. Seeing that I like films more than I like books, this is a good thing for me, but considering Stephen King makes his living from writing books -- that is not so a good thing for him (not like he needs the money at this point though).

“IT” (which I have not read yet) was a great story cinematically. It had strong characters, great suspense, and a lot of scares. Not too much more you can expect from a horror these days, now can you? It also had another thing I really enjoy in films -- a friendship theme. Just like in another great Stephen King based film, “Stand by Me” -- “IT” tells the story of a band of “outcasts” (aka losers) who seem to find each other one summer and together they embark on various childhood journeys and battle an evil foe that in “IT” happens to be in the shape of a psychopathic clown (kind of like Ronald McDonald on steroids and acid) named Pennywise. You see, in the small town of Derry, Maine, people seem to start dying and disappearing (especially kids) every 30 years, but on this particular cycle of 30, Pennywise the psychopathic clown runs into the band of outcasts that plan to foil his plans.

“IT” is as much about a killer clown as it is about kids facing their personal demons and discovering themselves through friendship with others. That is where I believe Stephen King is truly king. He scares us with our own selves. We see ourselves vividly in his characters and the only thing he has to do then is add a killer clown to the mix and voila -- we have a horror masterpiece. Sounds simple, but actually a tall task -- which is why I appreciate “IT” so much.

I remember watching “IT” when I was twelve, but after watching it again as an adult, I am glad to say that “IT” still scares me. Not as much as before, but still enough to make me look around before I crawl into bed. Having something scare you as a child and then as an adult really says something about the material.


THE RUNDOWN:

The Good: Still scary now as it was then (1990).

The Bad: A little dated, but to me that just adds to the horror.

The Law: It’s getting close to Halloween, so check “IT” out.

Chungking Express
Starring Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Brigitte Lin, Faye Wong, Takeshi Kaneshiro
Written & Directed by Wong Kar-Wai


Slow dancing with the love of your life on New Year’s. Teaching the girl you secretly love how to drive a car. Smelling the back of your girlfriend’s neck through her silky hair. These moments are exhilarating, emotionally comforting, and just plain sexy. Chungking Express is all of that.

Wong Kar-Wai is not necessarily a handsome man, but yet he always seems to be quite popular with the ladies. The reason for this? He has a sexy soul. From “Days of Being Wild” to “In the Mood for Love” -- Wong Kar-Wai knows how to poetically paint sensuality and sexuality on the screen with his splashes of motion and color. When we see the world through his eyes -- the world is one sexy place. Almost instantly, you will want to jump your honey and start making wild, passionate love on the spot.

Chungking Express plays like a romantic comedy, but has the energy of a classic Hong Kong action film. It tells two stories, both involving love-struck police officers trying to fill the voids in their lives. The first story stars Takeshi Kaneshiro as He Zhiwu aka Cop 223, a twentysomething that has just been dumped by his girlfriend and now roams around hoping she will take him back (she dumped him on on April Fool’s Day and he hopes the joke will end soon). The voice-over narration by Zhiwu is just absolutely adorable and insightful. For example, he speaks of things like “expiration dates” for people, relationships, and canned pineapples, as well he discusses how jogging a lot will drain his body of liquid so he won’t be able to cry about his lost love. Then just before he gives up on love, he runs into a drug smuggling woman in a blonde wig, played by Brigitte Lin in her last film role. Clearly two opposites, they spend the night together, but not in the traditional sense by far. The second story stars Tony Leung Chiu Wai as Cop 663, a police officer who is in love with a flight attendant (and really, which male isn’t), but who as well finds himself alone and looking for love again when their romance fizzles out. He starts talking to the furniture and stuffed animals in his apartment and begins losing sight of the world around him -- but not to worry, an eccentric and cute girl named Faye comes to his rescue. In her first feature film, Faye Wong, who is now like a pop goddess in Hong Kong, absolutely steals the show as a quirky food stand server that develops a crush on Cop 663 and literally redecorates his life.

Two very sweet stories infused with a frenetic energy is essentially what Chungking Express is. It is no wonder that this film is loved by people like Quentin Tarantino and also happens to be my most favorite film of all time as well.


THE RUNDOWN:

The Good: Incredibly sexy, intoxicating, and irresistible.

The Bad: The cinematography and storytelling may be a little too experimental for some people.

The Law: This is my most favorite film of all time, so obviously I am going to encourage you to watch it like a million times.

Sin City
Starring Bruce Willis, Jessica Alba, Mickey Rourke
Written by Frank Miller and Directed by Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez


Jessica Alba, Devon Aoki, Alexis Bledel, Powers Booth, Rosario Dawson, Benicio Del Toro, Michael Clarke Duncan, Carla Gugino, Josh Hartnett, Rutger Hauer, Jaime King, Michael Madsen, Brittany Murphy, Clive Owen, Mickey Rourke, Nick Stahl, Bruce Willis, Elijah Wood... Now how can you get a cast like that acting in material written by Frank Miller with Quentin Tarantino appearing as a guest director?! Easy -- your name is Robert Rodriguez.

Ever since he appeared on the scene with his frugal but energy infused, El Mariachi, which he made for a measly $7000, but made it look like three times that -- Robert Rodriguez has been the darling of film geeks everywhere. He knows what he is good at and delivers every time because of it. Whether it be another Spy Kids sequel or one of his Mexican shoot’em ups like Once Upon A Time in Mexico -- Rodriguez knows how to use his creativity to make a film that is always low on cash, but always high on energy and entertainment. So when it finally came time to do a Sin City film, which Hollywood has been trying to do for many, many years -- it was natural that Frank Miller would only let Robert Rodriguez touch his precious baby. Good thing he did.

Sin City looks f*cking awesome! Excuse my censored language, but it does! It literally is a living, breathing, fully functional comic book come to life. The panels, the shading, the dialogue, the emotion -- it is paper personified. The actors cast in the film are identical to their 2D counterparts and the energy of the books are not lost in translation. It is perfect.

Now, I am not saying that there is nothing wrong with the film, because there is -- but what I am saying is that the bridge from graphic novel to screen is immaculate. There are moments where things drag a bit as far as pacing and dramatic tension -- but again, the film looks so good that you find yourself bypassing them almost immediately. Also if you happen to have the chance to watch Sin City with a “lively” audience or watch it with the audience audio track that is available on the special edition DVD -- you will find out exactly how fun this film can be. Sin City is flawless film noir/graphic novel orientated fun. Do not miss it -- you’re eyes will never forgive you.


THE RUNDOWN:

The Good: A visually pleasing and immaculate screen adaptation of Frank Miller’s highly respected graphic novel.

The Bad: Pacing is a bit rough in some areas, but visuals distract you enough to overlook them.

The Law: Sin City is something your eyes need to see.

Laws of Attraction
Starring Pierce Brosnan, Julianne Moore, Parker Posey
Written by Aline Brosh McKenna and Directed by Peter Howitt


The idea of two people who seem to be complete opposites of each other who end up falling in love whether they like it or not keeps continuing to get made into movies... And audiences I am sure also continue to ask how this happens. The answer is simple: We all love the idea of falling in love. This and the hidden agenda of promoting Ireland are the two factors that got Laws of Attraction produced. Let me explain.

Laws of Attraction stars the dashing Pierce Brosnan and the sultry Julianne Moore as two feuding divorce lawyers who wind up accidentally married while on a trip in Ireland doing research on a case they are both dueling each other on in court. It’s the perfect setup for classic Hepburn & Tracy style banter and what could be more romantic than two divorce lawyers finding love. This idea alone would probably have made quite a decent romantic comedy, however, this did not happen. Since Laws of Attraction was partially produced by Mr. Brosnan’s production company, Irish Dreamtime, a very large portion of the film and plot point occurs in his homeland of Ireland. Not only is it obvious that Pierce is shamelessly plugging Ireland, but it is also obvious that the film could have done without it. Combine this with the lack of chemistry between Brosnan and Moore (just doesn’t have quite the same ring as Hepburn & Tracy does it?) and you have one stinker of a film.

The film does try; oh god does it ever try. But trying is not good enough in the movies and the only redeeming quality left from this movie is basically Pierce Brosnan. Julianne Moore looks out of place, appearing embarrassed at points to be in the picture at all (I am sure the paycheck was good), but Pierce’s charm never fails. Even in bad films, you can always count on Pierce Brosnan’s natural charm to entertain you.

Stay away from Laws of Attraction. If you and your honey are in the mood for a romcom, trust me -- there are a million other ones to choose from that are better than this one. However, if you happen to be a Pierce Brosnan fanatic, I would say it is worth a look.


THE RUNDOWN:

The Good: Pierce Brosnan always entertains, unfortunately everything around him doesn’t.

The Bad: Lack of chemistry is killer in romcoms.

The Law: For Pierce Brosnan fans only, others would actually have more fun in court.