Van Helsing
Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh
Written and Directed by Stephen Sommers


Van Helsing is the perfect example of what happens when you give a successful writer/director lots and lots of money and let them run wild with it. The movie is a cacophony of monsters and elaborate action sequences. Is this a good thing or bad thing? You decide. I decide it is a good thing as a fan of action and monsters, but as an indie filmmaker at heart -- I spit in the face of Van Helsing. Puut, puut, puut! (That was my spitting noise in case you were wondering.) I know this film came out in 2004, but I thought since it is Halloween today and I had nothing else better to do at 1 AM last night -- let’s watch and talk about Van Helsing.

Stephen Sommers. Sound familiar? Well, whether he does or not to you -- he was the guy behind the successful Mummy franchise (you know the ones with Brendan Fraser which later spawned The Scorpion King and in turn spawned Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s film career). Well, Stephen Sommers proved he could take old Universal Studios owned monsters and turn them into cash cows at the box office, which is kind of how he ended up here. Van Helsing takes a bunch of classic monsters (favorites such as Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde) and basically rewrites the history on them from the point of view of a monster hunter known as Van Helsing. (Van Helsing actually was only enemies with Dracula, but hey -- this is Hollywood baby!) What you get is a really fun film with no dialogue running more than two minutes at a time. I am serious. This film is packed with so much action, if you seriously tried to time the total amount of “talky time” between the characters, you would probably get a grand total of 12 minutes. Please note that this film has a total running time of 132 mins. Please also note that this film feels like it is about as long as Schindler’s List. Schindler’s List for your information is about 195 mins. What? How come it feels so long? Isn’t there action and monsters and really cool visual effects? Well, yes. And that is exactly all there is -- which is why it feels so long. There is no story or character or feeling for that matter to this film. If it were a video game (which it is also I believe) -- it would kick some major tail. However as a film, there is nothing for the audience to grab a hold of -- leaving us amazed at how cool thinks look, but extremely bored. Although for the guys out there, we can fantasize about Kate Beckinsale and create our own story and likewise for the girls, they have Hugh Jackman to look at, which I am sure can strike up some feeling.

Van Helsing. Like a skanky rich heiress or blonde with big breast implants -- nice to look at, but empty inside.


THE RUNDOWN:

The Good: Great visual effects and lots of action.

The Bad: Only contains great visual effects and lots of action.

The Law: Watch it, but turn off your brain when you do.