*Josh: You... Why?

The Dutch Businessman: I always wanted to be a surgeon. But the boards would not pass me. Can you guess why? You see? So I went into business. But business is so boring. You buy things you sell them, you make money you spend money. What kind of life is that? A surgeon, he holds the very essence of life in his hands - your life. He touches it. He has a relationship with it. He is part of it.

Josh: Please just let me go, please...

The Dutch Businessman: You want to go? Is that what you want?



Hostel
Starring Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson
Written and Directed by Eli Roth


THE CASE: Three horny college buds backpack through Europe in hopes of sleeping with as many beautiful girls as possible, but when they venture to a too-good-to-be-true hostel in Bratislava (Slovakia) -- they discover the definition of torture first-hand.


THE GOOD: Whenever I see the title of a film and above it reads: “Quentin Tarantino presents” -- I know I am in for a f***ing good time. Hostel is no exception. Eli Roth, the writer-director who brought us the horrifically good Cabin Fever, now crafts a wonderfully wicked film where torture is the name of the game. With the climbing interest in highly graphic and highly twisted horror flicks in the recent years (ie. Saw, The Descent, hell -- even 24 has torture scenes) -- Hostel delivers us the blueprint on how to do it in an entertaining and engaging way. Believe it or not, I would say 85 percent of the film is actually dedicated towards character development, which is a smart move because once we get attached to our beloved “protagonists” (are horny college pigs really “good guys”?) -- we get to see them literally get torn apart piece by piece and limb by limb. Did I also mention there is also a lot of gratuitous nudity in this film.


THE BAD: Hostel wasn’t as sick or as twisted as I expected. The DVD cover promised me something that was SICK(ER) and (MORE) TWISTED than what people saw in the theater and I have to admit, I was a little disappointed. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the film rocks -- but it just wasn’t as SICK and TWISTED as I had anticipated (I hope there is nothing wrong with me. Do I need help?). Let this be a lesson not to over-hype a film in your mind before watching it. Kind of like sex. Don’t over-hype it and it will be awesome.


THE LAW: One of the best thriller/horror flicks in the last decade despite my hunger for “sicker and more twisted” thrills. If you are a fan of this genre or just want a good introduction to it, take Quentin Tarantino’s advice and sink your teeth into Hostel. Oh yeah!

THE LAW’S OSCAR OPINION -- 2007 --

The Law gives the rundown on who should win and who will win at the 2007 Oscars. Listen up, fools!


Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role:

* Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond”
* Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”
* Peter O’Toole in “Venus”
* Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”
* Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland”

(Forest Whitaker. An overweight, overlooked, colored actor that has been due for some recognition. The academy loves these kinds of performances and this kind of nominee. Almost a sure thing.)


Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role:

* Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine”
* Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children”
* Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond”
* Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls”
* Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed”

(Eddie Murphy should and will probably win. Again, he is another actor that has been busting his ass for years on the comedy circuit and will finally get some recognition from the academy and will give a great acceptance speech.)


Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role:

* Penélope Cruz in “Volver”
* Judi Dench in “Notes on a Scandal”
* Helen Mirren in “The Queen”
* Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada”
* Kate Winslet in “Little Children”

(You gotta love a mature woman who can really act and Helen Mirren takes the cake in that area. Penelope Cruz could pull an upset, but highly unlikely since she is colored and in a Spanish film. Hey, don’t get mad, I just tell it like it is.)


Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role:

* Adriana Barraza in “Babel”
* Cate Blanchett in “Notes on a Scandal”
* Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine”
* Jennifer Hudson in “Dreamgirls”
* Rinko Kikuchi in “Babel”

(Jennifer Hudson will probably gobble up this category just based on all the hype and cinderella-story crap that has been circulating. I personally, being Asian and heterosexual, would like to see the sexy Rinko Kikuchi take this one since she gave a bare-it-all performance in Babel.)


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year:

* “Cars” John Lasseter
* “Happy Feet” George Miller
* “Monster House” Gil Kenan

(Cars for sure! If you saw the feature on the making of Cars on the DVD with John Lasseter, you will know why.)


Achievement in Art Direction:

* “Dreamgirls”
* “The Good Shepherd”
* “Pan’s Labyrinth”
* “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
* “The Prestige”

(Pan’s Labyrinth. Are you kidding me? There is no doubt. If it loses, that would be a tragedy and horrible mistake.)


Achievement in Cinematography:

* “The Black Dahlia”
* “Children of Men”
* “The Illusionist”
* “Pan’s Labyrinth”
* “The Prestige”

(Pan’s Labyrinth. It is practically like watching a fairy tale come to life in scary detail.)


Achievement in Costume Design:

* “Curse of the Golden Flower”
* “The Devil Wears Prada”
* “Dreamgirls”
* “Marie Antoinette”
* “The Queen”

(Curse of the Golden Flower -- just because they did a fantastic job of showing Gong Li’s hot cleavage. Knowing the academy though, it will probably be Dreamgirls. I hate Dreamgirls!)


Achievement in Directing:

* “Babel” Alejandro González Iñárritu
* “The Departed” Martin Scorsese
* “Letters from Iwo Jima” Clint Eastwood
* “The Queen” Stephen Frears
* “United 93” Paul Greengrass

(Martin Scorsese. Not because he was the best director out of the bunch this year, but because he has been the best all through the years and he is fuckin’ Martin Scorsese and he deserves an Oscar.)


Best Documentary Feature:

* “Deliver Us from Evil”
* “An Inconvenient Truth”
* “Iraq in Fragments”
* “Jesus Camp”
* “My Country, My Country”

(I vote for Mr. Al Gore. Save our planet and entertain us at the same time. Cheers!)


Best Documentary Short Subject:

* “The Blood of Yingzhou District”
* “Recycled Life”
* “Rehearsing a Dream”
* “Two Hands”

(I have no idea. So I will pick... Two Hands.)


Achievement in Film Editing:

* “Babel”
* “Blood Diamond”
* “Children of Men”
* “The Departed”
* “United 93”

(Babel. Hey, Babel has to win something on Oscar night.)


Best Foreign Language Film of the Year:

* “After the Wedding”
Denmark
* “Days of Glory (Indigènes)”
Algeria
* “The Lives of Others”
Germany
* “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Mexico
* “Water”
Canada

(Pan’s Labyrinth is the best thing to come out of Mexico since tacos and cheap labor.)


Achievement in Makeup:

* “Apocalypto”
* “Click”
* “Pan’s Labyrinth”

(Pan’s Labyrinth. Magic, I tells ya, magic!)


Achievement in Music (Original score):

* “Babel” Gustavo Santaolalla
* “The Good German” Thomas Newman
* “Notes on a Scandal” Philip Glass
* “Pan’s Labyrinth” Javier Navarrete
* “The Queen” Alexandre Desplat

(I pick Philip Glass because he might be related to Kenny G, but I think the academy will pick Gustavo Santaolalla.)


Achievement in Music (Original song):

* “I Need to Wake Up” from “An Inconvenient Truth”
* “Listen” from “Dreamgirls”
* “Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls”
* “Our Town” from “Cars”
* “Patience” from “Dreamgirls”

(Please don’t let anything from Dreamgirls win, please! It is already bad enough that they wasted 3 nominations, please don’t let them win. I personally wanted to see Chris Cornell from Casino Royale take this one, but he kind of didn’t get nominated, so I am going with Cars just because John Mayer and Sheryl Crow are also on the Soundtrack.)


Best Animated Short Film:

* “The Danish Poet”
* “Lifted”
* “The Little Matchgirl”
* “Maestro”
* “No Time for Nuts”

(The Little Matchgirl. No comment.)


Best Live Action Short Film:

* “Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)”
* “Éramos Pocos
* “Helmer & Son”
* “The Saviour”
* “West Bank Story”

(Helmer and Son. Again, no comment.)


Achievement in Sound Editing:

* “Apocalypto”
* “Flags of Our Fathers”
* “Letters from Iwo Jima”
* “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”

(Letters from Iwo Jima because it has a bunch of nice war sounds and Clint Eastwood’s films never go home empty handed.)


Achievement in Sound Mixing:

* “Apocalypto”
* “Blood Diamond”
* “Dreamgirls”
* “Flags of Our Fathers”
* “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”

(Flags of Our Fathers. Please read the above.)


Achievement in Visual Effects:

* “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
* “Poseidon”
* “Superman Returns”

(Superman Returns all the way! I love Superman, whoo-hoo!)


Adapted Screenplay:

* “Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”
Screenplay by Sacha Baron Cohen & Anthony Hines & Peter Baynham & Dan Mazer
Story by Sacha Baron Cohen & Peter Baynham & Anthony Hines & Todd Phillips
* “Children of Men”
Screenplay by Alfonso Cuarón & Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby
* “The Departed”
Screenplay by William Monahan
* “Little Children”
Screenplay by Todd Field & Tom Perrotta
* “Notes on a Scandal”
Screenplay by Patrick Marber

(The Departed because it was based on Asian material and because it was actually fun. Plus Departed needs to rack up its award count.)


Original Screenplay:

* “Babel”
Written by Guillermo Arriaga
* “Letters from Iwo Jima”
Screenplay by Iris Yamashita
Story by Iris Yamashita & Paul Haggis
* “Little Miss Sunshine”
Written by Michael Arndt
* “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Written by Guillermo del Toro
* “The Queen”
Written by Peter Morgan

(The category says Original, so I am going with Pan’s Labyrinth although I think the academy is going to sell out and pick Babel because the story is so non-linear and so 1990s.)


Best Motion Picture of the Year:

* “Babel”
* “The Departed”
* “Letters from Iwo Jima”
* “Little Miss Sunshine”
* “The Queen”

(The Departed because I want to see Scorsese kick ass and I want to see him thank some Asians -- but unfortunately I think the winner will be either Babel or The Queen.)

*Buddy 'Aces' Israel: You're looking at me like, like... I just asked you the fucking square root of something.



Smokin’ Aces
Starring Jeremy Piven, Ray Liotta, Ryan Reynolds
Written and Directed by Joe Carnahan


THE CASE: A bunch of contract killers try to knock off a Vegas magician-turned-gangter-turned-snitch and a bunch of FBI agents try to prevent this from happening.


THE GOOD: The movie ended. It was written and directed by acclaimed Narc director, Joe Carnahan (we will get back to this in the next section). Common, Alicia Keys, and Jason Bateman were the best parts of this sad piece of work. Ray Liotta and Jeremy Piven were good also -- but when surrounded by crap, you soon become crap. As you can tell, I don’t have much to say about this Tarantinoesque (stop trying to make these kinds of films people! you are talented enough to make your own kinds) film other than bad things.


THE BAD: Shame on you, Mr. Carnahan! After such a visceral and irreverent film like Narc -- you turn around and make a disposable piece of dung like Smokin’ Aces. WTF! You are talented. Why, why, why?! The dialogue and action tries so hard to be cool -- BUT IT SUCKS! The film has no tone (is it a drama? or is it a comedy? or is it an action film?), we don’t care at all about the characters (except for Common and Alicia Keys’ characters who could actually star in a separate film on their own, they are that intriguing), and Ryan Reynolds -- why is Ryan Reynolds is this film -- taking something from bad to worse. I hate Ryan Reynolds!


THE LAW: I have never in my life felt like I have ever wasted my money at the theater -- but after seeing Smokin’ Aces, I am sad to say I felt that way.

*Frank Costello: Arm.

French directs Costigan to a pool table, making him hold out his casted arm.

Mr. French: Show me your arm. Flip it. mmhmmm, mmhmmm...

French slams Costigan's arm on the table until the cast breaks, while Costigan screams in pain.

Frank Costello: It makes me curious to see you in this neighborhood. And if I can slander my own environment, it makes me sad. This, uh, regression. Plus, I don't know if it's beyond some fucking cop prick like Queenan to pull you out of the Staties and send you gift-wrapped to me. I just can't know. I wonder what they do in that particular department, anyway.

Costello slams on Costigan's broken arm with Costigan's boot.

Frank Costello: [yelling] Are you still a cop?

Billy Costigan: [in severe pain] No!

Costello whacks his arm again.

Frank Costello: [yelling] Swear on your mother's grave you're still not a cop?

Billy Costigan: [painfully] I'm not a fucking cop!

Costello whacks his arm again, this time re-breaking it.

Frank Costello: [yelling] Are you going to stop doing coke deals with your jerk-off fucking cousin?

Billy Costigan: [weakly] Yes, yes, yes!

Frank Costello: Alright, alright. You're okay, you'll be alright. Get your hand taken care of.

Costello throws down some money.

Frank Costello: I'm sorry, but it was necessary. As for our problem with Providence - let's not cry over some spilled guineas.



The Departed
Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg
Written by William Monahan
Directed by Martin Scorsese


THE CASE: A rivalry between the Massachusetts special crimes unit and a local Irish American gang escalates to a heated level when it becomes clear that a ganster has infiltrated the crime unit and a police officer has infiltrated the gang. Let the fun begin.


THE GOOD: The acting in The Departed is incredibly fun to watch. Considering you have a cast consisting of names such as Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin and not to mention a director by the name of Martin Scorsese -- this is not hard to believe. Especially fun to watch is Jack Nicholson and Mark Wahlberg who bring over-the-top pizzazz to their roles and just own their screentime. I found my actual heart rate would increase whenever they appeared. Add in lots of swearing, guns, explosions, and a cops and robbers style that only Scorsese can deliver and you have easily one of the best pictures of the year, not to mention one of the most fun.


THE BAD: The Departed was based on the Hong Kong trilogy, Infernal Affairs and if you happen to see Infernal Affairs before watching The Departed, you can’t help but see the resemblance in many of the scenes. If this were a piece of original material and not a remake -- I would have enjoyed it more. Scorsese and screenwriter William Monahan do bring a lot of new ideas to the material, but not enough to make it a true original on its own.


THE LAW: The Departed is like a popcorn movie with brains. It is a hell of a lot of fun and still manages to keep character and story development in mind. This is a rare combination these days -- so check it out.

*Yussef: I killed the American, I was the only one who shot at you. They did nothing... nothing. Kill me, but save my brother, he did nothing... nothing. Save my brother... he did nothing.



Babel
Starring Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Rinko Kikuchi
Written by Guillermo Arriaga
Directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu


THE CASE: An ensemble piece involving four intertwined stories: An American man who’s wife is accidentally shot in Morocco while they are vacationing there, a poor Moroccan family that purchases a rifle to protect their goats, an isolated deaf/mute Japanese girl and her father deal with the silence in their lives, and a Mexican nanny/housekeeper runs into problems with US Customs.


THE GOOD: Strong performance by Cate Blanchett as usual and a very gutsy performance by Rinko Kikuchi (and not just because she has a lot of nude scenes). A well-executed film as you would expect from the writing and directing team behind 21 Grams and Amores Perros.


THE BAD: A little too well executed. Yes, the film is full of high caliber drama and yes, the film is full of tragic and deep storytelling -- but no, it is not entertaining. The film is way too incredibly smug for its own good. Audiences have seen films like this before and if you are going to do a film like this -- at least have the courtesy of giving it a point other than trying to win a bunch of awards. Babel is basically nothing more than a bunch of babel and yes, I realize that may be the point of the whole film -- but come on! -- at least make it fun.


THE LAW: Babel is one of those films that is incredibly award-friendly, but also incredibly boring. Kind of like the boyfriend or girlfriend that your parents absolutely love but is an absolute bore in bed.